Alone with Big Brother France
by empressfate
Summary: Random pairings, possibly actual plot revolving around France. Seriously, random pairings. High teen for, well, France. Humor, don't take seriously.
1. Chapter 1

_**Alone with Big Brother France- Job Interview with Germany.**_

"So, what else do you think qualifies you for this job?" Germany grunted, tired of having to put up with France for the entire interview. Why would the Frenchman even need a job at a car factory? But alas, the rules for equal employment must be upheld.

"Well, I have, you could say, superior social skills." France winked. "Even if the customer is a social recluse who's never seen a bare man or woman and spends all his time watching Naruto, I will find a way to get in their pants!"

"_Nien_!" Gemany slammed the table. "First of all this is a respectable company! We do not rape customers,  even Narutards! Second, the position you checked as being interested in is manufacturing trunk parts!"

France chuckled a dirty little laugh. "I am interested in a great number of _positions_, Monsieur Germany. The junk to do with the trunk is merely my, ah, current favorite."

Germany face-palmed. The French knack for innuendo. Just what he needed an hour before his shift ended. "I'm sorry, France, but…"

"Oh?" France interrupted, "Is Monsieur Germany not a fan of –*insert inappropriateness*-?" Germany merely glared, not sure what to say in the face of such obvious perversion.

As soon as Germany let his guard down, as a little straight part of his soul died, Evil France kicked in. In mere moments, there were red and blue garments littering the floor, a red rose somewhere it shouldn't be, and cat ears on a certain Frenchman's head.

It happened so quickly, our friend Germany was down to his boxers before a single Italian fantasy could enter his head, and hands were already sneaking to unmentionable places before he could process how to react.

"Napoleon did mention that Germans made great wives." France chuckled as he nibbled on a particular German's ear.

For rating restraints, we'll have to cut out the rape, and all its juicy details. I'll leave that to your pervy little fanbrains. But I will say, those handcuffs were stressed almost to their limit. Germans are hard to constrict.

**A/N I'm sorry, I lack the willingness to actually write something like that. ^^'**

**Random pairings decided solely by my Eurovision playlist! Lets cross our fingers for something good XD**

**Btw, this is my second Hetalia fic. My other one is a Lithuania x Poland, but I feel really stuck with it. So, big brother France is helping me relieve sexual tensions (no, not really. Just a nod at the –hilarious- English dub.)**

**For my fellow Americans, Eurovision is a European song contest. Europe is that place west of Asia, where we got forks, fireworks, and wonderful wonderful manga.**


	2. Kolkolkolkolkol

After fleeing the scene of the crime, leaving Germany as he was (still handcuffed), France headed east, hoping to get some of the yummy little Baltic States. He must have been over-eager, however, as he was soon engulfed by a chill he had not felt since he had Napoleon leading the charge.

The bane of his existence, the thing that limits public nudity and encourages covering oneself. It must be, he thought, that accursed Lord of Russia: General Winter.

He soon felt his rose petals begin to wilt. Still shivering from the cold, he collapsed onto the permafrosted dirt beneath him. It rang a sour bell of familiarity, from the retreat Napoleon had led from Moscow. Just as he could sense the nostalgic frostbite settling in, he heard the faint sound of boots crunching frozen ground.

It was a miracle! Someone was really coming to save him! 'God really is on my side,' He thought. He let himself relax. Surely his savior was a chesty girl also suffering from the cold. They could warm each other with body heat!

"Oh," He heard his savior say. He tried to turn his head and see who it was, and if she was wearing a skirt he might possibly be able to flip. His face froze in shock. "I seem to have found a frozen Frenchman." Russia smiled.

France would've cried, except General Winter, now exerting maximum power, had frozen his tear ducts. He tried to scream for help, but nothing but a whimper came out.

"I suppose you came to become one with Mother Russia, _da_?" France couldn't say a word as he was unceremoniously dumped onto the back of Russia's sleigh and hauled back to Moscow. He felt his consciousness dim and vanish.

Our protagonist France awoke in a little, damp, prison cell to Russia dumping tubfuls of boiling-hot water onto his back. Needless to say, our France screamed an especially feminine scream. "Are you up? It's been a while since anyone has stayed with me, so I'm afraid Latvia's old room will have to do." He smiled.

France couldn't help but notice that he was still totally naked, but thought escape from this place was worth more than death by hypothermia. "Ah, Monsieur Russia, my coming here was a simple mistake, a navigational error, so there's no need for you to prepare any room for me." France smiled weakly, and tried to rise from the ground but found his wrists and ankles shackled.

"Don't worry, these walls are three feet thick, I'm sure you won't be able to escape. I'll feed you once your will and you know only how to submit to Russia, _da_?" He said as he was leaving the cell.

"Wait! Monsieur!" France called after his captor. "I don't like it here! It's weird and cold and I DON'T LIKE SIBERIA!"

Russia smiled, but a visible gloom had now taken up residence on his face. "And how do you think I feel? Now that the house is empty and everyone is gone because they needed their 'freedom' and whatnot, I'm all alone here to count the dried sunflowers."

'Oh,' France thought, 'He's just lonely. Maybe some French charm can snap him out of it.'

"And without Latvia here, the only way I can satisfy my sadistic desires is by snapping metal rods in half."

France had nothing to say to that, but it could be said that he never went too far east again.

But that was only AFTER he escaped from Frozen Hell.

**A/N Who will appear next! Will France ever escape the sadistic reaches of Russia and General Winter? Will this become a Greek tragedy or a Shakespearean romance? And what of the North American and Asian countries, who don't have Eurovision songs for my playlist? **

**Well, I don't know. I don't have a clue. I guess if you have requests you can send them in.**

**Hetalia: Axis Powers is a manga created by Hidekaz Himaruya, featuring personified countries focusing on the events of World War II.**

**Shocker, huh? **


End file.
